It had all been such a wonderful dream. It always was. The laughter, the love, the people, the sense of belonging. It had been one of those dreams that you never want to wake from. Especially, if those wonderful parts can’t be found in reality. To wake, that means to let go. To let go, that means facing the harsh realization that it was just a dream.

And yet…it had been so real. So real. All five sense, alive and active. The smells, sounds, sights. To wake from it, meant facing the pain that would follow. For the first time in months she had felt truly happy. Her heart was full. All the longing, the agony, the regrets, they were gone. The only thing she had ever wanted was right there. A loving, whole, healthy, and complete family. Her family. It had been a glimpse into what her life would have been like – had circumstances been in her favor. And now? To wake to the dreary house, the empty rooms collecting dust. The  lonely frames with the price tags she had never bothered to remove. The beautiful crib, with it’s soft pink blanket, and the delicate rose patterned quilt. Destined never to be used. All an empty dream. 

Maybe she could bear the pain if she wasn’t alone. But death had been victorious again and taken him too. The one person she could always count on. The first and last person who had ever loved her. Her one source of constant support and peace. He had been her steady hand when everything first went wrong. He had always guided her to place her trust in God, but that had been easier before he was gone. She had clung to her husband and God when the babies had died, one after another. She had felt His hand holding them up, not letting them fall. But now? Now He had taken away her husband too? It was too much. Way too much. She was drowning in a sea of grief and despair. 

For the shortest of times, she had held them in her arms, she had kissed their cheeks and hugged them tight, never wanting to let go. They were all there. Together. And they were happy. Truly happy. She had watched him be an amazing dad; snuggling with the girls, wrestling with the boys. And for the briefest moments, she had been a part of that too. And she never wanted it to end. 

But this was not the first time she had dreamed this dream. Somewhere in her subconciousness, she knew it was nothing but a dream, she knew it was all going to end and she was going to have to wake. 

To wake from such a dream is nothing short of torture. To wake from such a dream is nature’s cruelest affliction. To wake. To wake and return to the present, to wake and be forced back to reality. It’s dangerous and painfully, strangely, wonderful all at the same time. 

To wake.

|| I’ve decided to start sharing snippets that I write every now and then. They never tend to go anywhere, just a few paragraphs, sometimes even just a few sentences. Letters strung together to form words, words crafted into place to form an idea, to set a scene, to create a mood. This one happens to be a bit darker than my normal taste, but for some reason I like it, despite it’s more sadder tone. ||